Lack of family support

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Lack of family support

Postby Dhva » Sat Oct 07, 2017 6:57 pm

Hi! My son was diagnosed a year ago, originally stage 3b now 4. When he was first diagnosed my mil and sil stopped by and started crying as if he were dying - not helpful. That was October 2016. They came over once more at Christmas,and not once since. They never call, text or email. The past couple of months have been tough ones with more surgery , tests and appointments and discouraging news of disease progression. Some of this info had been shared by my son with my nephew, however still no word except for one text on the day of surgery asking how it went. My son asked if they ever call to see how he was doing and was worried that his grandmother would be upset. I decided to talk to them to try to end the avoidance. I said that he had asked if they ever call and suggested it might be very helpful if they could call once in a while to check in. It didn’t go well. I was “cruel to make an old lady feel bad.”“They hear all the news from the nephew so why call?””They’re busy and don’t have time to call”. And, my personal favorite from my sil “ I’m a nurse - I know what all those tests mean- why should I call just to hear bad news?” Their withdrawal has been shocking and hurtful. Has anyone else experienced this type of behavior from their family members after a diagnosis? If so, how did you handle it and were you able to make things right? I dont really care for my own sake, it just hurts to see him be avoided as if he were contagious.
Dhva
 
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Re: Lack of family support

Postby Catherine Poole » Sun Oct 08, 2017 7:52 am

Have I ever! I know exactly how you feel. I actually had to shame the family on FB into visiting. My husband is terminally ill and his family just up and disappeared. I've come to understand this is their way of coping. They pretend it doesn't exist. I think in the long run they will suffer from their denial. My best advice is not to spend your energy on them or thinking about their lack of support. It just takes your energy away and you need it! So be sure to take good care of yourself and find family in the friends who care. We can't choose our families, but when things get tough we know who they truly are. Take good care.
Catherine M. Poole, President/Founder
Melanoma International Foundation
Catherine Poole
 
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Re: Lack of family support

Postby Dhva » Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:13 am

I’m sorry to hear you have experienced this as well. Rationally, I know it is better to just accept their inability to be there in this situation. It is harder to embrace that acceptance when it is not me being hurt, it is my son. I’m sure you know and understand that feeling. Truthfully, when we did finally try to speak to them about this, my sil saw my son and said let’s see it about his latest scar. She then said “oh that’s it? That’s nothing .” So, not really the support we were hoping for, lol. I think your advice is wise. You can’t force people to care. Sometimes family can disappoint you. One of the many lessons to be learned on this unplanned for journey. Thank you for your understanding. Best wishes to you and yours .
Dhva
 
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Joined: Sat Oct 07, 2017 6:32 pm

Re: Lack of family support

Postby Catherine Poole » Tue Oct 10, 2017 7:22 am

Some people are just strange and insensitive. I understand why some prefer their pets! I also know that your hurt for your son as I hurt for my partner. But they know who they can count on and he has you and that's the most important thing. Take good care of YOU..
Catherine M. Poole, President/Founder
Melanoma International Foundation
Catherine Poole
 
Posts: 10807
Joined: Wed Jan 02, 2008 12:09 am


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