Home Forums Melanoma Diagnosis: Stages I &II Stabbing Pain at WLE Site

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  • #55396
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Yeah, today is a bad day for me. In tears, ESP after reading your reply. The irony… That’s how I feel, like I’m not really living… Waiting everyday for the axe. Some days I work myself to exhaustion, finding many things to do and others I become overwhelmingly paralyzed in fear. I blame myself… Feeling very sad and very edgy and angry at times. I look at my kids, sometimes I have to walk away cause the tears are rolling down my face. I feel no one understands. I think I’m going to wake up and it’s all going to be a bad dream. But everyday I wake up to immediate rushing thoughts of “what If”. The word melanoma seems to Play in my head over and like a song you can’t get out of your head.

    #55397
    cohanja
    Participant

    And, I think the other hard part is to put stage 1A into perspective. Yes, it’s not in-situ. But, sometimes I feel guilty for feeling the way I do because I see what others at stages III or IV are going through, and I should be grateful mine was caught early. But, then again, I see what others at stages III or IV are going through, and I think that will be me at some point, I just don’t know when. I want to be told I’ll 100% be ok from this. But, nobody will be able to tell me that. But, still, at 1A, we should be in the 90s in terms of survival percentages. So, it could be worse. I don’t agree with those who say “well, we all have risk, there is risk in everyday life, etc…” I know that is true, of course anything has risk. . driving, swimming, flying, etc… but this is different, it’s specific, it’s not just a statistic or odds, it’s something individual happening to us. Some people say everyone has a risk of heart disease but yet you don’t see the average person walking around researching it and worrying about it. That is true, but I don’t think that is an apples to apples comparison. I think the more analogous comparison would be someone has a heart attack. . and they get treated and the Dr says this probably won’t cause you any more problems, but it could, it might, we really don’t know. . and then that person has to specifically deal with and worry about that specific thing. And, so now I think that person would be more likely to be researching and worrying – they are not just “Joe Public” anymore with general risks. . they are an individual with a very specific risk they are experiencing first-hand. So, that makes it different. It’s hard, and I don’t know what the answer is other than just staying on top of appointments/physicals, paying attention to your body (but not overreacting. . easier said than done), talking to someone, using this forum, getting other opinions on your pathology and risk, etc….maybe puts your mind a bit at ease about it, about your individual risk, etc… Or, just accepting that we all die, every one of us, of something – and we all live a different # of years, and that’s life. But, I know, with little kids, as I have, it’s much harder to deal with because you wonder if you’ll be there for their life and their milestones, to share in that. Or, will this disease rob you of years of life? I wish I had a crystal ball that would give me the answer. Sometimes, I just feel like I only have each day – I wake up, and I have today. That is all I am guaranteed, that is all I have. So, I will live today. Then just day by day. Then tomorrow. Before all of this, I expected to have another 40 years of life. Now I realize I just don’t know, none of us know. And, who knows, maybe there are more effective treatments on the horizon. But, you just look around, you hear on the news, you know someone who knows someone, etc. . and it seems like cancer is just everywhere, different types, different ages, all walks of life. . I don’t know where this all is coming from, it’s pretty crazy. So, none of us know what may or may not happen to us in the future. That is very hard for someone like me to accept, I like to feel in control of my life, I like to know what to expect, etc…and this just throws all of that out the window. I think the other frustrating thing with this is there are so many different opinions and differences. . differences in pathology reports, differences in suggested follow-up, differences in possible treatments, etc….so it makes it that much more confusing and frustrating.

    #55398
    Anonymous
    Guest

    This is how I feel. It appears no matter what the report states, who reads it…. There are no guarantees. It’s mostly the kid thing… I want to be here for them, see them grow, protect them….and the thought of that being taken away from me is destroying me. Some days are better than others of course. Past few days has been a real struggle. I have been in tears most of the morning. I feel like running away to a far away place…. I know it won’t change anything of course but that’s just how I feel. I want to be in control of this and I CAN’T control it. Every pain, every ache, I think “oh no”. I’m angry at myself for using tanning beds, laying out in the sun, etc… How foolish, all could have been avoided….I don’t want to disappoint or hurt my kids. I feel there are no real answers and the ones I have are scary. Yes, better than most…. But selfishly not good enough. I can’t stand it when someone says you could get hit by a bus. I say yeah, quick and painless… No time to think. Seems to be all I do. Today is one of those days I’m just really having a hard x coping.I pray, I read self help books, I go see my psy, I take my OCD meds….I tell myself I must have faith, I must get up and live… But when I do it all seems like I’m pretending… Just going through the motions.

    #55399
    Anonymous
    Guest

    It’s only been 4 months….I didn’t think I would make it to my 1st appt with out throwing up all over the drs office. Even had thoughts telling myself I wasn’t going back. And what is it Im looking for anyway in a recurrance? That seems to have no definitive guideline either. But that’s just it…. It’s just a guideline. My husband is the total opposite of me, he doesn’t worry about what he can’t control. Me, I want to control everything. And this is throwing me into a black hole.

    #55400
    cohanja
    Participant

    I identify with everything you’re saying. I am so angry with myself for getting so many sunburns as a kid. To think I may not have to be going through all this, and I did it to myself. . I just can’t reconcile that, I can’t wrap my head around it. So avoidable. I also think every headache, every muscle ache, etc. . is “oh no.” I don’t know if this is true or not, but I actually called Cancer Hope Network, and they put me in touch with a volunteer who is 3 years out from an in-situ and a Stage 1A. Anyway, she gets bloodwork done every 6 months, CBC, LDH, etc…and she said your bloodwork will tell you a lot (white cell count, etc…). If that becomes abnormal, then that is a sign to get further examined, etc… I don’t know if that is accurate, but maybe doing that gives you some peace of mind? And, yes, I hear what you’re saying about “pretending”. I can do all the things people are telling me to do. . for stress-relief, relaxation, etc. . but that is just for outward behavior. Internally, I’m still just as worried, just as stressed. I can fool everyone else into thinking I’m not worried, but can never fool myself. We are who we are, and that is very unlikely to change. We all have different personalities, and some are better to cope with something like that than others. I don’t have one of those personalities well-equipped to handle this very well. That’s just me. Not likely to change much. At some point, I have to just put faith in my doctors and realize even they can’t control how this is going to go. It’s going to do what it’s going to do. The other thing that is hard to comprehend is, if I’m correct, it’s either one of two options: Either the biopsy and WLE surgery cleared my body of these tumor cells and I’m totally free of cancer right now (and so this is all for nothing all this worry), OR there are some cells that went astray through blood or lymph and this worry is really valid because some years from now everything I’m fearing will come true. I just have no way of knowing which of these is the case. If option #1 is the case, then, boy, all this worry and stress is for nothing! If option #2 is the case, then I guess someday I’ll be able to tell all those people telling me not to worry, “See, I told you so!”

    #55401
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Made me laugh. This is the most I’ve talked about this since I was diagnosed. I hid it from my closest friends feeling shameful and like a failure. I don’t really talk to my husband because he just can’t wrap his head around my fear. Like most people if it’s not happening to them, they can’t truly relate. It’s a very alone feeling. And if I talk about it then it becomes that much more REAL. So, I obssessively find ways to organize/clean…new projects, cooking constantly, reading…..but it’s always there like a shadow peaking around every corner. When I’m out, I find myself examining people’s moles, their skin, comparing them to mine, wanting to give people a lecture about their current sunburn, even told people at the goodwill who were taking the stuff out of my car to wear sunscreen. And I find most people just are not aware of just how dangerous this disease truly is. I want to go and boycott in front of tanning salons… Everytime I see one I get sad and angry and they seem to be on every street corner and popping up everywhere. But I can’t even help myself!!!!

    #55402
    cohanja
    Participant

    I TOTALLY do that too. . .ever since my ordeal, when I go out now I find myself studying other people’s moles. I suspect if I ever saw one that looked really really bad like it really could be something bad, I might even walk up to a complete stranger and suggest they get it checked out if they haven’t already – at the risk of them hitting me over the head and calling for help! For me, I think I have the feeling that the moment I stop worrying about this. . that is when it’s going to jump up and get me. Like, I feel like it’s just trying to lull me into a false state of thinking I’m going to be ok. .whether it’s in 3 years or 5 years or 8 years. . and just when I finally think I might be ok. . WHAM, it will be there having spread and just when I was lulled into thinking everything will be fine, it will leap up and bite me. So, somehow I feel like if I’m constantly worrying about it, then it will stay at bay. That is how irrational and illogical this whole thing has made me – turned me totally nuts in some ways. And, yes, I think, as you say, only someone experiencing it can truly understand the fear and feelings associated with this. Sure, family and friends can lend support, etc. . but do they really really know what we’re feeling every minute of every day? Probably not.

    #55403
    cohanja
    Participant

    The other thing that is hard that I struggle with is I feel like I’m doing nothing. Like, I feel there is maybe an opportunity right now when it still may be early. . to try and do something medically to help myself. . but, instead, I’m doing nothing. . after WLE, just doing nothing other than getting exams. No adjuvant therapy, no further diagnostic tests, etc… So, I feel like I should be doing something to help myself make sure to be ok from this, but I’m doing nothing, because medically, there is nothing to do at this point. So, I feel like I’m just crossing my fingers and hoping I’m not one with a thin lesion recurrence/metastatsis. I’m just rolling the dice and hoping. . that is also really hard to handle. . the feeling that I’m doing nothing

    #55404
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Right! WHAM!

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